Parental Wellbeing

Parenting Styles & Development

There's no more important role than as a parent guiding and shaping a child. Scientific research has indicated that how we respond to our children has an immense impact on their development, and their propensity to be happy in adulthood.

The parenting styles used in psychology today are derived from a model created in the 1960's by Diana Baumrind, a developmental psychologist at the University of California, Berkeley. Her model describes two spectrums: the first spanning from Responsive to Unresponsive, and the second: Demanding to Undemanding, arriving at 3 parenting styles: Authoritative; Authoritarian; and Permissive. This was further expanded by Maccoby and Martin in 1983 to four styles:

Authoritative
Authoritarian
Indulgent
Neglectful

One of my favourite research based parenting books is 'Brain rules for baby', written by Dr John Medina, an expert in human brain development. It references research on parenting conducted over many years, which has identified long term outcomes. This research indicates that:

The parenting style with the most positive outcomes when studied long term is a demanding yet responsive (authoritative) parenting style;
How you deal with your toddler's intense emotions is a huge factor in how happy your child will be as an adult;
The single biggest indicator of a child's future happiness is the ability to self regulate, and the ability to make good friends.

What does a demanding yet responsive parenting style look like?

Being present and responsive to the child
Creating opportunities for open ended play
Setting limits and realistic, clear expectations, and explaining why rules exist
Using praise for good behaviour
Withholding judgement for bad behaviour, but using swift consequences for rule violations

Children who learn to regulate their emotions have deeper friendships than those who don't. How to support your child to develop self reg:

Being comfortable with your own emotions
Tracking your child's emotions, verbalising and naming emotions
Running toward your child's emotions (not classifying them as 'bad' or 'good' emotions, but recognising all of the emotions)
Truckloads of empathy

The long term outcome was clearly indicated in the studies. Parenting in this way consistently produced children with higher emotional regulation, greater empathy, higher academic achievement, and who experienced richer friendships.

Source: 'Brain rules for baby' Dr John Medina.

We parent at our best when we are free of resentment, and have had time to connect with what we find joy in. Even a few minutes per day, or a few hours per week can make a difference. We dedicate ourselves to our children, but it is essential to also preserve some time to yourself. Setting aside time for you and your partner is also important to stay connected, and thrive as a parenting partnership. See Parenting self care.

Lastly I want to introduce the RIE philosophy, which is a parenting philosophy created in 1978 by early childhood educator Magda Gerber. The RIE way encourages the child to be in touch with her emotions and to develop independence.

The key principles of RIE are:

An environment for the child that is physically safe, cognitively challenging and emotionally nurturing
Time for uninterrupted play
Freedom to explore and interact with other infants
Involvement of the child in all care activities to allow the child to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient
Sensitive observation of the child in order to understand his or her needs
Consistency, clearly defined limits and expectations to develop discipline

Source: magdagerber.org

For further reading on RIE try:

'Baby knows best: Raising a confident and resourceful child the RIE way' - Deborah Carlisle Solomon

Recommended resources: research based approaches to parenting, to best support your child's development:

Brain-body parenting: How to stop managing behaviour and start raising joyful, resilient kids - Dr Mona Delahooke
Self-Reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life - Dr Stuart Shanker
Second Nature: How parents can use neuroscience to help kids develop empathy, creativity, and self-control - Erin Clabough

Parenting Style

The Age of Fear

We are all parenting in the age of fear. It is as if by feeling an element of fear, we believe we are doing better by our children; that this fear somehow adds to our credentials as a parent. Each small hiccup, oversight or slip up is vehemently chastised - within our own minds - as the thought of sharing publicly these normal, everyday occurrences sparks yet another string of fears: fear of being judged, criticised, and deemed an incapable, uncaring mother.

Why do we insist as a society on portraying motherhood as an arena fit only for women of a calibre so ethereal it is entirely unattainable? Fit only for women whose polished and perfect superhuman existence, and pristine excellence is to be revered. It is as though we relish in feeling inadequate, in exalting others to a status that is above our own, and yet in doing so, we unconsciously perpetuate an unrealistic fantasy image of a mother so perfect, it is impossible for her to exist.

"Don't be so concerned with raising a good kid that you forget you already have one."

Glennon Doyle

'Remember when stitching the quilt of life: not all squares have to be glorious and not all the stitches perfect, for the quilt to be amazing. Focus on the square you're on today. Let go of the pressure to be perfect.'

Rebecca Eanes

Some resources that can assist in building a confident, realistic and empathetic parenting outlook are:

The book you wish your parents had read - Philippa Perry
The Gift of a Happy Mother: Letting go of perfection and embracing everyday joy - Rebecca Eanes
The Orchid & The Dandelion: Why sensitive people struggle, and how all can thrive - W Thomas Boyce
Small Animals: Parenthood in the age of fear - Kim Brooks

The Age of Fear

Parenting Self Care

Set time aside for yourself, to connect with yourself, and help to balance your energy. Create morning and evening rituals that calm and relax you, for example: having a cup of herbal tea; doing a 10 minute meditation.

Become a black belt in emotional self care. Shut down your negative self talk. Check in on your mindset and emotions regularly. Reflect without judgment on any thought patterns that trigger negative feelings for you.

Practice self love and spiritual self care. Create a sanctuary you can retreat to, a place that calms you when you are feeling unbalanced. Find what works for you: meditating with crystals, or taking a long bath, or maybe dimming the lights and lighting some candles.

Limit screen time and cut out social media contact that does not deliver images words and energy of a positive kind. Don't fall into the comparison trap by comparing their best with your worst. Make time instead to read, or use art, music, or writing to tap into your personal creativity.

Rather than feeling guilty for taking time out for yourself, feel accomplished that you are building a strong foundation of self love and spiritual reflection that will help you to consistently be the parent you want to be.

Parenting Self Care

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The most effective parenting style is a warm, but demanding parenting style where rules and expectations are clear, and responses are warm and empathetic.

By running toward emotions, and reserving judgment of negative emotions, you are assisting your child to develop effective self regulation.

Research shows how you respond to your child is a huge factor in how happy your child will be as an adult.

As a child would you rather have a perfect mother, or a happy mother? Let go of the pressure to be perfect.

The importance of self care cannot be understated. Setting aside time for yourself and your partner is crucial to keep your bucket full and maintain a positive influence on your children.

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